Wackos on a Plane

Flying. What a wonderful experience!  What a pain in the ass! This is the one mode of transportation that draws more attention than a Mini Cooper filled with twelve naked clowns. Why?  Because it's both miraculous and frustrating, and after 9-11, can also be a little unnerving. Lately it's been getting alot of press, and not just for rising fuel costs, and multiple airline bankruptcies and mergers. Nope. What amazes me, is the increase of what I call "wackos" on a plane. Those that create havoc and problems for both passengers and crew, with little reason why, other than to just be jerks. I wonder what these people are like in a regular setting? Maybe they're just nice people who are affected by a change in air pressure. Maybe they're so scared of flying, creating a scene is better than quietly crapping in their pants.  Who knows. I'm not a doctor, but someone should do a study on this.

Recently I've read about a guy who grabbed a flight attendants ass, (I tried this once, but I had the foresight to do it in the terminal), a women who punched a flight attendant because she was told she couldn't smoke on a plane (this was banned about 20 years ago, so this passenger was obviously on more than cigarettes), a guy who got so drunk he started tossing ice and glasses at the crew, and a whole family that was tossed off a flight because the kids were climbing around the plane and screaming like chimpanzees while in flight.  I could go on and on- more drunks, more fights, more screaming, yelling and kicking, and my favorite one, the guy who was in a hurry to get off the plane so he opens the emergency door and deploys the chute. Yes, this actually happened.  What the hell is wrong with these people?  Now, a lot of you might think, "Hey, the airlines are the problem. The flights are cramped, the snacks stink, the prices are high, the luggage gets lost, the planes are late, and the crews are rude."  Yes, you'd be right sometimes. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day. So that justifies rude behavior? Use your head! Got a complaint, let the airline know, but don't sacrifice safety at 30,000 feet!

So here we are, in an aluminum tube, about 12 feet in diameter, about 150 feet long, flying six miles high at about 500 miles per hour (for you plane buffs that want to criticize, this fits a 727-200, the most common model used), and then some jerk wants to cause a problem? He starts screaming about how screwed up the flight is because he wanted peanuts, and all they had left was a bag of pumpkin seeds. The flight attendant, some 30 something, 110 pound female, goes up to this 200 pound six foot male idiot and tells him to calm down, so he starts using more four letter words than an episode of the Sopranos.  At the same time, some three year old in the seat in front of him, starts crying because he's afraid of this guys big mouth, so the mother of the toddler, who weighs about 220 herself, turns around and tells him to shut up. He promptly responds with a hearty ,"Up your ass lady", which results in another flight attendant coming up, a male this time, who looks like he couldn't make the badmitten team in high school ( I'll get some flack from male flight attendants on this), and says to him, "Sir, you have to calm down now or......."  "Or what, you'll throw me off the plane?", responds the idiot. "No, sir", says the attendant, "we will have to restrain you until the pilot lands".  So here's me sitting across the aisle thinking, restrain him? These flight attendants couldn't restrain a goat. The wacko stands up and says, "Yeah, you and who else". So, me being the hero (I think), says, "Me, that's who else!" The guy in front of me says, "Yeah, me too". He was bigger than me so this will help. Than I thought, a fight on a plane?  This is nuts. There's about 160 people in this tube with a 26 inch aisle, and three guys and two flight attendants are going get into a brawl with this jerk? Sugar Ray had it easy compared to this. What if we hurt this guy?  I mean so what, he's a jerk, but what do you do with a guy who has a compound fracture in his arm at 30,000 feet?  It takes an hour to land even when you're over an airport these days. "Excuse me, just step over the guy with the busted arm laying in the aisle if you have to use the lavatory, sir".  What if he dies, or worse yet, what if I get killed in this fight?  "Please don't use the lavatory on the left lady, there's a dead guy in there".  "Sorry folks, no coffee on this flight, we had to crack the pot over some guys head to calm him down".  Hey, it could happen.  We could just toss him out the emergency exit while we're up here, and those that don't get sucked out of the plane can enjoy the rest of the flight.  It's a thought.

Yes, the guy was restrained by the attendants, calmly, and brought up to the front of the plane so they can keep an eye on him until the landing. I guess that's one way to get into first class, without buying the upgrade. My point is, why create a problem when safety is involved. A bus, a cab, even a train and you can stop and toss the person out. Not on a plane. You're stuck with 100 or more other people until you land. No, "I'm pissed, I think I'll go for a walk".  No, "The service stinks, I'm leaving".  You're stuck. You and everybody else. So if, flying doesn't agree with you, or your upset at the airline because they didn't calculate your frequent flyer miles right, don't even get on my flight. Drive, take the bus, and complain to the airline when your on the ground. Keep the kids calm, and your shoes on (the odor!), because at 30,000 feet we all have to live with you.

By the way, someone let the flight attendant know that I'm upset that those jerks in security took my.....never mind, I'll shut up now!   

Comments

[Pam]

Your best blog yet. Keep them coming.

[Lou]

"Wackos on a Plane is great. It hits the nails on their heads on several issues. HOWEVER, your grammar, punctuation and spelling leaves a bit to be desired; it detracts from your writing. Please note, the contraction for "you are" is "you're" as in, "complain to the airline when you're on the ground." In that instance, you incorrectly used "your." "Your" is the possessive form, and is used correctly in "your shoes on." There are several punctuation errors - that is, commas where they should not be and not where they should. A little brush-up on your basics and your column will shine.