A Letter to Queen Elizabeth:
Your Majesty;
I am writing to let you know that your Kingdoms' largest company- British Petroleum- (BP), is causing quite a stir over here in the states. I am sure you are aware that one of their largest oil rigs exploded into a fireball 50 days ago, and while it has unfortunately killed 11 of the rig workers, it also caused a gusher of oil to flow into the Gulf of Mexico just 60 miles off the coast of Louisiana.
Now it seems to me that while your boys at BP are trying to stem flow of oil, they just haven't quite been able to figure out exactly how to fully stop it. Perhaps they should try something new, or let an outside engineer come up with a solution to this oily mess. Maybe, just maybe, they can look themselves in the eye while they have their spot of afternoon tea, and own up to their failures.
We Americans can no longer sit idle while our southeast coast becomes a sea of black goo, and our precious wildlife smothers in it. We cannot allow our fishing industry to become extinct as sea life becomes unsafe to consume, and ocean species rot at the bottom of oiled filled waters. How would you like it if a rainbow of oil sheen coated one of your crumpets?
I plead with you to get off the throne and let BP know that the U.S. won't put up with this. Hopefully this isn't some sick retribution for the Revolution. Get over it, that was more than 230 years ago. Remember we were there for you in WWII. You would be eating bratwurst with you tea, and have a swastika painted on your royal ass if it wasn't for America! Sorry, I got carried away.
Now, I'm hoping our President, Barack Obama, tells BP to get out of the way, and let our own intellectuals in this country fix the problem. We have scores of top engineers in this country from NASA, the military, and private industry that I'm sure could fix this. We even have a load of engineers, and smart ones at that, who came from India and work in the high-tech industry here that I'm sure could help. Oops, sorry. I forgot, India got the rid of you Brits too. Mr Obama though, seems to be stalling also. By the way are you and him *?*?!!*- anyway, that's why I'm writing you.
In closing, start getting on the BP crew and get them moving. This "Piccadilly Circus" attitude has got to end. If you don't, the only solution I can see is, and pardon my forwardness, stuff you and your tidy undies, your big eared prince of a son, -whose ears alone could plug anything up,- and the entire BP board of directors into that gaping hole of an oil well! Not only that, we Americans are still wondering if you didn't have Princess Di bumped off!! You don't want that to get brought up again, now do you?
Hopefully you'll take what I've written to heart. Let the Crown of England be your guide.
Cheerio,
The Goodfella
P.S. I hope you appreciate that I never referred to you or your family as "those uptight money hungry limey bastards". For me, that was real self control!
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