The Goodfella

It's a Bloody Mess

A Letter to Queen Elizabeth:

Your Majesty;

I am writing to let you know that your Kingdoms' largest company- British Petroleum- (BP), is causing quite a stir over here in the states. I am sure you are aware that one of their largest oil rigs exploded into a fireball 50 days ago, and while it has unfortunately killed 11 of the rig workers, it also caused a gusher of oil to flow into the Gulf of Mexico just 60 miles off the coast of Louisiana.

Now it seems to me that while your boys at BP are trying to stem flow of oil, they just haven't quite been able to figure out exactly how to fully stop it. Perhaps they should try something new, or let an outside engineer come up with a solution to this oily mess. Maybe, just maybe, they can look themselves in the eye while they have their spot of afternoon tea, and own up to their failures.

We Americans can no longer sit idle while our southeast coast becomes a sea of black goo, and our precious wildlife smothers in it. We cannot allow our fishing industry to become extinct as sea life becomes unsafe to consume, and ocean species rot at the bottom of oiled filled waters. How would you like it if a rainbow of oil sheen coated one of your crumpets?

I plead with you to get off the throne and let BP know that the U.S. won't put up with this. Hopefully this isn't some sick retribution for the Revolution. Get over it, that was more than 230 years ago.  Remember we were there for you in WWII. You would be eating bratwurst with you tea, and have a swastika painted on your royal ass if it wasn't for America!  Sorry, I got carried away.

Now, I'm hoping our President, Barack Obama, tells BP to get out of the way, and let our own intellectuals in this country fix the problem. We have scores of top engineers in this country from NASA, the military, and private industry that I'm sure could fix this. We even have a load of engineers, and smart ones at that, who came from India and work in the high-tech industry here that I'm sure could help. Oops, sorry. I forgot, India got the rid of you Brits too.  Mr Obama though, seems to be stalling also. By the way are you and him *?*?!!*- anyway, that's why I'm writing you.

In closing, start getting on the BP crew and get them moving. This "Piccadilly Circus" attitude has got to end. If you don't, the only solution I can see is, and pardon my forwardness, stuff you and your tidy undies, your big eared prince of a son, -whose ears alone could plug anything up,- and the entire BP board of directors into that gaping hole of an oil well!  Not only that, we Americans are still wondering if you didn't have Princess Di bumped off!!  You don't want that to get brought up again, now do you?

Hopefully you'll take what I've written to heart. Let the Crown of England be your guide.

Cheerio,

The Goodfella

P.S. I hope you appreciate that I never referred to you or your family as "those uptight money hungry limey bastards".  For me, that was real self control!

 

It's a Social Thing

A few days ago, I started to use Twitter. I thought maybe I could promote myself, or my Goodfella articles. If you haven't used it, it's simply a web site to post one or two line thoughts, or an update to whatever you happen to be up to at the moment. You can do it at their site, or by text from your cell phone. You have followers who can see your posts- or you can follow others. Most of the time people follow celebrities, or find masses of followers they obtain from an email list.  I'll get back to this in a  moment.

Today, around 2PM I calmly threw my cell phone out the widow of my car while doing 65MPH on a freeway.  I got tired of it ringing. I also seriously thought about getting off Facebook, wanted to unlink myself from Link-edin and was going to post a video on YouTube of me giving the finger to the entire world. And Match.com- don't even go there. After I broke up with my girlfriend, all my friends said, try it out, it's how you meet the opposite sex these days". Sorry, but the old way always worked for me.  I long for the "good old days". Oh yeah, those days before information overload. Those days when you didn't have a phone surgically attached to your ass, and you actually visited your friends and business associates on a regular basis instead of reading about them on Facebook.  Now, I'm not that old, but remember when you returned your phone calls at a specific time of the day and didn't have to listen to scores of boring voice mails, and then spend half the night answering emails- most of which are bullshit. Landlines only, no social networks, and no videos of Aunt Harriet vomiting because she just watched "Two Girls, One Cup" on her nephews computer. No meeting your Match.com date and finding out the picture she posted was of her better looking sister, or she used to be a man. By the way, don't ask about the "Two Girls"video.

Now, you probably wondering - "Jesus, did the Goodfella just turn ninety?". "You gotta have this stuff to function today. How will anyone know what I'm doing? How will they get a hold of me to close that big business deal". Yeah, I know. But, think about this my dear readers, how many business deals have you actually closed on that phone?  How many times did you have to shut that monitor off because the boss is coming and you're posting the latest "My dog took another shit on the floor" info on face book.  Link-edin- oh but that's a business site listing all your business info. Yep, I got one call off Link-edin and been on it a year. Oh, and that Twitter? Unless your Lady Gaga or Paris Hilton, it's bullshit. I got four followers, and I think three of them are hookers.  I don't have time to post my thoughts line by line on Twitter- "Hey the oil spill in the Gulf is bad"-or" Raisin Bran is a hell of a pusher if you're plugged up"! I think were over doing this stuff. We isolate ourselves more by becoming an extension of our technology. We use excuses like "I'm so busy, I have to see you another time- but catch me on Facebook", and actually become less social.  I have friend I haven't seen in months because they spend all their time emailing, texting and Facebooking,( and some Twittering).

Now,I had to buy another cell phone right away. I figured my phones text messages are probably being read by some Highway Patrol officer who found it in the median. That might be a problem. I may keep my Facebook account so I can remember what some people look like. Link-edin, I'm not sure of, and fuck Twitter. It's a sign of the times and part of out social fabric that we need some of this stuff to stay in the loop. Sometimes it makes life easier. But, if you really want to make an impression on someone, actually visit them. I, personally, will always close that business deal in person.  We really can't overuse this stuff, or we become slaves to it.  My nephew said to me once, "Hey check out this video game, I can play basketball just like the pros on it".  I said, "Why don't you actually go out and play basketball like I did when I was your age!".

Oh, and please don't roll those eyes as you read this column-this that I have posted on my Typepad account, and sent you an email to read it. How the hell else would I do it? You don't expect me to "snail mail" it to you, do you?